How to Handle Bullying, Interview with Candice Dugger

This week on Homeschool Highschool Podcast: How to Handle Bullying, Interview with Candice Dugger.

How to Handle Bullying, Interview with Candice Dugger

How to Handle Bullying, Interview with Candice Dugger

BTW- before we start I love the photo of the girl above. She has don’t-even-try-to-bully-me nonverbals!

We are so glad this week to talk again to our friend, Candice Dugger, whose work and ministry is to help young people heal from bullying. Not only that, she works to help young people, families and organizations create a safe, anti-bullying culture. This week we will talk about how to handle bullying and build some conflict resolution skills.

Many of our podcast family know Candice, but for those of you who are new, let’s share a bit about her story. Candice was happily working in the business world for years when she was sidelined with a serious illness. During that time, she almost lost her son to suicide when he was twelve years old due to horrific bullying.

Candice found that the bullies were present in everywhere her son’s life because the same bullies were in his school, church and scouting groups. She realized the leaders in these institutions were not equipped to help her son or change the culture. So, true to Candice’s can-do style, she created an organization to help: Bullied, Broken and Redeemed.

Bullied, Broken and Redeemed has helped many young people and organizations heal and turn things around.

These days Candice is trying to get the word out about the “GenZ bullying” that young people are experiencing. They are experiencing bullying not only in their in-person lives but:

  • in the social media world
  • online gaming
  • even revenge porn

She has resources for young people and families who have been affected by these GenZ bullying harms, as well as community leaders who want tools to help.

Let’s talk about conflict resolution and handling bullying

You may have notice that traditional conflict resolution skills do not work when trying to handle a bully. So the first step in dealing with a tense situation is to train young people to discern whether this is:

  • Stress or conflict with a person OR
  • A bullying situation

How to identify a bully

Break it down into three easy steps called ARP:

  1. Is the behavior aggressive?
  2. Also, is it repeated or a strong probability of threat?
  3. Is there a power imbalance?

If there are those three things, bullying is present.

Also, remember: The intention of a bully’s actions is not about conflict.

In normal conflict situations (because conflict is part of the human experience), at the end of the conflict event, both parties are upset. Not only that, but both parties want to restore the relationship and create a resolution. Normal conflict is an occasional, not a frequent, event.

Normal conflict can be hurtful but usually does not leave deep, emotional scars.

Bullying is different than normal conflict

A bully’s goals are to:

  • Overpower another person
  • Harm them
  • Inflict pain on them

They do not wish to resolve a problem with their victim. In fact, they do not want the situation to stop.

Unfortunately, over time, some bullies learn skills that help them perpetuate the bullying behaviors. For instance, when confronted by an adult authority figure like teacher or coach, they will put on a smile and act like they want to resolve the problem. Unfortunately, as soon as the adult is not looking, they go back to the bullying behavior.

Bullying can leave deep emotional scars and psychological issues like Post-traumatic Stress Disorder that can last into adulthood. That is why Candice is working so hard to help!

What to do to help young people handle bullying?

So, we do not want to train our young people to use their conflict resolution skills on bullies. They use their conflict resolution skills with family, friends and their groups situations. Most of life will require these skills on occasion. That is great.

Now, let’s look at some handle-bullying skills!

  • Start with evaluating: Is this a bullying situation?

    • Do the ARP. If it is bullying, proceed.
  • Note what kind of bullying is occurring

    • In person
    • Cyberbullying
    • Gaming bullying
    • Family member bullying
  • Do not engage with the bully

    • If it is online: Block the bully
    • If it is in person: Walk away
  • Remind young people that if they are bullied, it is not their fault

    • They are not being bullied because of something they did.
  • Help them become less a target

    • In person: Learn empowered non-verbals (this is something we teach in 7Sisters Social Skills booklet)
      • Shoulders back
      • Chin up
      • Walk with purpose
    • If they are in a situation, teach them to remove themselves
      • Discuss this with your young people.
        • Develop a plan together on how they can remove themselves from a situation that feels like it will become unsafe.
        • Choose a “code word” that they can text you or say to you in a group situation
    • Talk early and often about bullying and tell them never to keep secrets from you, even if a bully tells them not to tell!
      • Let them know that you will always be there to listen and help.
  • As an adult, beware of retaliation bullying

    • Remember, normal conflict resolution skills do not work in handling bullying situations.
      • If you put the bully and a victim in a room together to force them to “solve their problems”, there will likely be a retaliation against the victim later
    • If you are in leadership at an organization, help set anti-bullying policies
    • As a parent, train your children with anti-bullying skills
  • Train teens that if they see bullying, report it!

  • As a parent, if your young person is being bullied: document, document, document!

    • Take screen shots, keep notes and logs
  • Also, find your young person some support

By the way, these tools are the same tools that we adults can use in our adult world. That is because bullies do not always outgrow their bullying behaviors.

Check out Candice’s resources at Bullied, Broken and Redeemed for texts, classes and more. Her program includes a .5 credit towards a Health class for homeschool high school transcripts.

Not only that, please check out these interviews with Candace on Homeschool Highschool Podcast:

Join Vicki and Candace for a helpful conversation on handling bullying.

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Win-Win Arguments – MBFLP 203

It’s inevitable that we will have conflicts with the ones we love – the simple fact of fallen people living in a fallen world means accidents, misunderstandings, expectations – and yes, downright sin sometimes. When they happen, though, how do we turn the unavoidable conflict into something constructive? Can we argue in a way the honors God and leaves our relationship stronger? Is it all about the win, or is there a bigger goal in mind?  This week, we talk about choosing your battles carefully and aiming to fight so we both win!



Fight Fair

Finish Well Radio, Podcast #065, Fight FairIn “Fight Fair,” Episode #065, Meredith Curtis reveals the truth: Conflict is inevitable, but yelling, screaming, and saying things you regret is not. Meredith will teach you to argue without raising your voices, disagree without becoming enemies, work through conflict to achieve win/win, and forgive one another after the dust has settled. This biblical method found in Matthew 18, Proverbs, and James works! It can work in your household, too.

 

 

 

 

 


PLP Ad - Galatians 5:22-23Proclaiming Jesus through Bible Studies, Classes, Websites, Blogs, and Podcasts!

 

 

 

 

 


Show Notes

Conflict. Every marriage has it. Every set of siblings engages in it. Conflict is a fact of life.
You won’t be able to remove conflict from your home, but you can change how conflict is handled.

Why Do We Experience Conflict in Relationships?

Proverbs 18:1: “An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels.”

James 4:1-3: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

We experience conflict because we struggle to resist selfishness and greed in our own hearts. Our agenda becomes more important than others’. We experience conflict because we indulge our flesh, instead of looking to Jesus.

Our only hope to avoid conflict is to surrender to Jesus.

Know When to Drop It

The most important thing to learn is to learn when to drop something before a fight ensues. Pride and anger often cause things to escalate quickly.

Proverbs 15:18 “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.”

Proverbs 17:14: “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”

Proverbs 20:3: “It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.”

Examine some old conflicts. How did they escalate? What could have been done to stop them from escalating into a quarrel?

Disagree with Kindness & Respect

A disagreement is when two people see things from a different perspective or have different goals.

Sometimes one person is all wrong and the other is all right, but often there is fault on both sides.

Humility keeps things from becoming ugly.

Proverbs 22:10: “Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended.”

Matthew 18:15: “ If your brother or sister[ sins,[go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”

Disagree without becoming enemies. Come with humility, asking questions.

Work Through Conflict Successfully

Keep it between the two of you.

Proverbs 26:17: “Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.”

Don’t involve others through gossip. Only bring in a third person if you two can’t work it out.

If children can’t work it out, that third person should be a sibling.

Win/Win. Let your motive be for the other person’s best, as well as your own.

Philippians 2:1-4: “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Forgive One Another

When conflict is over, forgive and move on. Jesus separates our sin as far as the east from the west.

Don’t get historical.

Matthew 18:21-35 Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

Cancel debts.

Resources to Grow in Christ for Everyone

Conflict Resolution in a Homeschool Group

Conflict Resolution in a Homeschool Group - Homeschool CPAIf you lead a homeschool co-op, you’ve probably dealt with conflict. Listen as Carol Topp, the Homeschool CPA, shares some tips and advice for dealing with conflict in your homeschool co-op.

Visit Carol’s website here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Homeschool Co-ops:
How to Start Them, Run Them and not Burn Out

 

Have you ever thought about starting a homeschool co-op? Are you afraid it will be too much work? Do you think you’ll have to do it all by yourself? Starting a homeschool co-op can be easy! This book Homeschool Co-ops: How to Start Them, Run Them and Not Burn Out will give you ideas, inspiration, tips, wisdom and the tools you need to start a homeschool co-op, run it and not burn out!

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Special Thanks to our Network Sponsor!

 

We’d like to thank our Ultimate Homeschool Radio Network sponsor, The Miracle Season!

Based on the inspiring true story of West High School girl’s volleyball team. After the tragic death of the school’s star player Caroline “Line” Found, the remaining team players must band together under the guidance of their tough-love coach in hope of winning the state championship.

 

Visit here to learn more.


 

MBFLP 91 – Sibling Rivalry

MBFLP-2015-08-10 Sibling Rivalry - pixabay by blickpixel

If there are siblings in the house, you’ve got to be worried about sibling rivalry. It’s not just an irritation – the Bible gives example after example where siblings and their jealousies had disastrous consequences! But as a practical matter, how can we head off sibling rivalry at home … or respond to it when it’s already a fact? Hal and Melanie have eight children, six of them boys, and they’ve learned some useful ways to handle “trouble between brothers” — join us!

RESOURCES YOU MIGHT APPRECIATE

“How To Fight So You Both Win” – This workshop helps you sort out what arguments are truly not worth having, and then how you can work out disagreements so that both sides leave satisfied. Downloadable mp3 – CLICK HERE.

My Beloved and My Friend by Hal and Melanie Young. We devoted a whole chapter in our marriage book to resolving conflicts in a Godly way … and these principles work for children as well a grown-ups. Available in print, ebook, and audiobook formats. CLICK HERE.

Resolving Conflict in Marriage, Part 2

Israel and Brook Wayne again tackle the difficult issue of conflict in marriage, offering thoughts when the conflict goes beyond just “a disagreement.”  Be sure to listen to Part 1.