The Problem of Perfectionism – MBFLP 251

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.


A reader asks, “What can you do about an over-conscientious child?”

C.S. Lewis observed that our sins are often forms of virtues which have gone astray. The apostle Paul wrote to the church at Colossae, “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24)  We should be pursuing excellence–but it’s very easy to let that pursuit turn into self-righteousness, arrogance, and pride. And it can also drive a person to distraction, depression, and despair, as the reality settles in that we can’t truly reach perfection in our own strength.

So what should we do when we see one of our children … or ourselves … leaning on human effort and achievement instead of faith in Christ? When striving for excellence becomes an unforgiving and ungracious pursuit of the unattainable? When our obedience to God is based on appeasement rather than love?

But doesn’t the Bible speak about perfection?

Yes, it does. Jesus speaks of loving your enemies, a supremely unnatural thing to do, and says if you do this, “you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48) While it is true that God is pure and sinless, we aren’t and won’t be until heaven. Yet we can strive after this kind of perfection, which is not sinless but rather, balanced and mature, like James describes: “But let patience [as a result of the testing of your faith] have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:4)

The sort of perfectionism to beware of has several unhelpful fruits:

  1. Pride – if I think I’ve achieved it, or I think I’m capable
  2. Arrogance – if I look down on others who aren’t trying as hard as I am
  3. Inefficiency – putting too much time and effort into unimportant things
  4. Fear – if I’m not confident I’ll succeed, I don’t want to try
  5. Faithlessness – if I don’t realize how desperately I need Christ
  6. Guilt – if I don’t recognize my inability, any disappointment is my own fault

Really, it’s a form of legalism–hoping to earn God’s favor or dissuade His anger by our own diligence. (continued …)

Can we be over-conscientious? 

It’s good to be careful, watchful, observant. Our hearts are still drawn away from Christ and God’s law, so we need to be on guard against our own sinfulness. Our conscience can be helpful – Paul says in Romans that Gentiles who didn’t know the law of Moses sometimes did the right thing anyway,

when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them (Romans 2:14-15)

But our conscience can be mistaken or confused. Paul wrote the church in Corinth, “I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 4:4) And the apostle John wrote, “If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.” (1 John 3:20)

Romans 14 deals with matters of personal conviction, and Paul says, “Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.” (verse 5) – but we do need to recognize that our conscience needs to be trained by the word of God. And we need to remember that each of us is on life-long road of growth–and we haven’t all reached the same level of maturity yet!

So how should we guide our children in this area?

  1. Our hope and our self-worth are not found in our report cards, our job descriptions, our paychecks, or our prizes — hope and identity come from our relationship to Jesus Christ
  2. Encourage your perfectionist children to try things they might avoid. Encourage your bookworm to learn tennis or dancing. Get your athlete piano lessons or tutoring in French. Help them realize that they can’t excel in everything – and they don’t have to!
  3. Be sure to praise the intangible things. Character doesn’t come with a scorecard, but God is much more concerned with the sort of person we are than the numbers we achieve on the tests.
  4. Help them gauge the real value of quality. If over-exactness makes you late on your homework, you still lose. Sometimes “good enough” is the right answer, and better than “good enough” may actually be a distraction–or worse.
  5. Finally, be sure they understand that By grace you have been saved through faith, that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.” Instead, our obedience to God is not meant to earn His forgiveness or love–it’s our loving response to what He’s already done for us. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Raising Them Up – a conversation with Israel Wayne – MBFLP 248

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

This episode, we’re talking with Israel Wayne, homeschool graduate, father of ten, and author of the new book Raising Them Up: Parenting for Christians. He shares some of the difficulties of his childhood – parents who divorced early, an abusive stepfather, times of poverty and homelessness – and the incredible way that God has redeemed that experience for His glory and the help of His people! You’ll enjoy this surprising and encouraging conversation with Family Renewal’s Israel Wayne.

Starting Over After a Rough Start

“When I got married, I was twenty-three, my wife was twenty, and we started our marriage with a clean slate,” Israel said. “I didn’t bring the baggage with me. I had the opportunity to start out on the right foot, developing the kind of relationship with my wife that my parents never had, learning how to be the father that my father wasn’t able to be. We now have ten children – our oldest is 20, our youngest is 16 months – five boys and five girls. And I think it’s really interesting, fascinating, and ironic in a way, that God has given us this ministry called “Family Renewal.

“This may be surprising to some people because some don’t know much about my back story. But I really believe in the capacity of God to reach families that are broken and families that don’t feel like there’s hope for them, that feel like, “Well, yeah, we’re not that poster family for homeschooling or ‘a Christian family.’ I believe that God’s grace is big enough that God can reach even you, and I believe my background leads me to have faith for those families. It’s part of why I do what I do and why I wrote Raising Them Up: Parenting for Christians.”

Not Available on Amazon!

Raising Them Up: Parenting for Christians is available direct from Family Renewal Ministries

CLICK HERE to order your copy! 


While We’re On The Subject

During this time of widespread shutdown and isolation, a lot of authors, teachers, and publishers are struggling. Dozens of homeschool conventions have been cancelled, including some of the largest in the United States and Canada, and that has made a serious dent in the support your favorite homeschool vendors need to keep going.

When you’re ordering online – and who isn’t, now? – would you take a minute and consider ordering direct from the authors and publishers? You might not know that when you save a dollar on a book at the (ahem) online megastore, 75% of the income from that book goes to the website owner – not the author. In normal times that’s just business reality – but while the crisis lasts, remember the creators who are pouring their heart and knowledge into your family and homeschool, and let’s channel those purchases back to the homeschool vendors you depend on!


GREAT NEWS!

 

Our book

NO LONGER LITTLE: Parenting Tweens with Grace and Hope

has received the

2020 CHRISTIAN INDIE AWARD

for the Relationships and Family category

“The Christian Indie Awards honor Christian books by independent authors and small publishers for outstanding contribution to Christian life.”

 

Awarded by the Christian Indie Publishing Association (formerly the Christian Small Publishers Association)

CLICK HERE to find out more, or order your copy! Available in print, audio CD, and downloadable formats

 

Lost and Found with Kendra Fletcher

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

Lost and Found: Losing Religion, Finding Grace - with Kendra FletcherThe “right” homeschooling philosophy. The right brand of theology. The “right” meal-planning, home-managing, keep-it-all-together parenting. Kendra Fletcher, homeschooling mom of eight, had it all “right,” until it all fell apart. In the course of eighteen months, Kendra found her baby in a coma, ran over her five-year-old, and nearly lost her eight-year-old to a septic ruptured appendix. Lost and Found is the story of how God used those events to transform her family s self-righteous religion into freedom in Christ. Fletcher’s debut book is the gripping true story of how God used suffering to save her family from empty religion. As wave after wave of crisis hit, the Fletchers discovered that getting religion “right” wasn’t a good substitute for a living relationship with a loving God. Through their suffering, they learned about misplaced identities and false hope, and they threw themselves wholly into the arms of Jesus where they found the grace they needed. Fletcher, a well-known writer and conference speaker in Christian homeschooling circles, addresses the quiet legalism that so easily infiltrates Christian communities and exposes the dangers of focusing our hopes on the “right” ways of worship, work, and family life. More than a memoir, Lost and Found invites all of us to give up the things that hold us in bondage and find our value, worth, significance, hope, and identity in Christ alone. – AMAZON

Today’s episode was short, but extra sweet. The super cool mom of many, Kendra Fletcher agreed to be on the show to talk about life in the Fletcher house and her book, Lost and Found: Losing Religion, Finding Grace and her travel plans this homeschool season.  I love what Kendra shared and am blown away by what she and her family had to go through during an 18-month period. I am grateful that she was willing to share her story with us in her book. We did end up cutting the episode short due to some technical issues, but I am thankful that I got to hear about her book. I got so excited that I decided to order TWO from Amazon, one for me and one to give away. Boom! 😉  If you are interested in getting that second copy of Kendra’s book, go leave a review on itunes or comment about the show on social media.

To learn more about Kendra, check out her website, kendrafletcher.com.

Next week is the first week of conference season… look forward to seeing you on the road soon!!!

Have a great week!!!

Thanks for listening. If you have topics you would like for me to discuss or people you would like to hear from, let me know. Just email me at kathy@thehomegrownpreschooler.com or shoot me a message on social media.

Find a way to #sayyes today.

Don’t forget to subscribe to my podcast and leave a review on iTunes!!!

Thank you to The Homegrown Preschooler for sponsoring this Podcast! Check out the blog post Kathy mentioned, Farmhouse Schoolhouse, to read more about A Year of Playing Skillfully.

Also, to thank you for listening, you can receive a 10% discount on any purchase at

The Homegrown Preschooler by using the code, THEREALKATHYLEE.

 

 

Dealing with Parental Guilt – MBFLP 192

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

A recent study reported that parents experience 23 “pangs of guilt” every week about their parenting decisions. Surely we’re not all ruining our children, destroying the planet, and failing in every regard. So what can we do about nagging guilt feelings as Mom or Dad? This episode we talk about real guilt, false guilt, and how to deal with both kinds Biblically!

“THE ‘GUILTY TRUTH’: New Research Reveals Top Reasons for Parental Guilt”, PR Newswire (by Farm Rich), 9/13/17

 

 

Losing Religion, Finding Grace – MBFLP 161

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

 

What happens when you do everything right and it turns out terribly, awfully wrong? Do you doubt God’s love? Does it shake your faith? Or does it drive you to a closer walk with your Lord and Savior?

This episode, we talk with Kendra Fletcher, the author of the new book (affiliate link!), Lost & Found: Losing Religion, Finding GraceKendra and her husband Andy Fletcher (hosts of Homeschooling IRL on this network) have seen both sides of the coin, as God brought them from a cold, rule-based religiosity, to a living faith in a living Jesus day by day. You’ll find it both challenging and encouraging as we talk about this crucially important distinction!

 

Church or Not Church – Make The Distinction! MBFLP 134

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

MBFLP 134 - Church or Not Church - H

 

The Bible is clear about how a church should be led and managed. What does that tell us about other institutions in our life, though? Is it appropriate to look for the same level of doctrinal agreement, Christian character, and other qualifications, when we consider events and organizations and movements which are not directly related to the church? This episode we explore a bit about the distinctions between CHURCH and NOT CHURCH – and recognizing that there is a difference between “not Christian” and “anti-Christian”, and that may make a difference in how we interact with the world outside our sanctuaries!

 

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Recovering From Legalism – MBFLP 132

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

Recovering from Legalism V

 

“For by grace you have been saved through faith … not a result of works. lest any man should boast.” The apostle Paul told us that and we all know it … but somehow, we easily turn to legalism when it comes to living out that salvation we received by grace. How can you avoid this? What can you do about it when you discover you’ve slipped into a hopeless, graceless, checklist spiritual life? This episode (recorded at Yosemite National Park!) we talk about learning to listen to God’s Word and His Spirit – and not relying on man-made additions to God’s actual commandments!

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When My Convictions Aren’t Your Convictions – HIRL Episode 94

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

HIRL-Episode-94

Homeschooling. Health food. Small church. Mom stays home. KJV only. Dresses. Youth group. Public school. No TV. Our convictions, or the things we strongly about, can drive so much of our lives and end up being the choices by which we define ourselves. They can bring like-minded believers together and set the tone for our families and homes.

But what happens when your convictions are different than mine? As soon as you discover that we don’t have the same non-negotiables in our home as you do in yours, is it a deal-killer?

What does it look like to love other Christians in our community who hold to different standards but agree that Jesus is everything? Can we love each other well, for the sake of the gospel?


EPISODE TIMELINE
2:10 Fluff Time (Tough week, “Me Time,” Failed Marriages, Exploratorium)
11:02 Part 1 – Convictions (What do we mean and what does the Bible say, Good Examples)
21:22 Part 2 –  Convictions (Bad Examples, Scriptural response)
29:33 HIRLers Treasure Chest
34:00 Wrapping up the show, What’s Coming


SHOW NOTES:

Recommended Resources:

Slack – The ultimate in team organization
Tricia Goyer – Author
September Yarns – Yarns
Small Sparrow T-Shirts – Cool T-Shirts
Betty The Surf Dog Twitter Feed – Home of Betty the Surf Dog
Fletch Twitter
Kendra Twitter

Previous Episodes Mentioned:

Music clips used on this episode:
My Life- Billy Joel – Buy it on iTunes Here
Hello, Goodbye – The Beatles –
 Buy it on iTunes Here


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LISTEN HERE

Are you ready to listen to Fletch and Kendra get real about homeschooling? Press the PLAY button below.


Join Fletch (from theMangoTimes) and Kendra (from Preschoolers and Peace and KendraFletcher.com) for the HomeschoolingIRL podcast every week as they interview guests and talk through some of the goofiness they have experienced in nearly two decades

MBFLP – Teaching Kids Respect and Obedience

A Production of the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.

MBFLP-2015-01-19 Teaching Kids Respect and ObedienceIt’s one of our “frequently asked questions” – How in the world can I get my kids to obey? How do you teach them respect? And it’s not just because obedient kids are agreeable – we know it’s important for their safety, and it’s Biblical. This episode, we talk about how to teach these important traits in a balanced, loving way that adapts to our child’s developing maturity … because our goal is not to raise obedient children, but adults of mature, godly character!